Happiness

Happiness

How do you define happiness? Some find it through love some find it through family others may find it through money. There's no deny that as the world progress and develope, its getting harder and harder to find happiness. Happiness doesn't stay long for most people nowadays. To me happiness is probably for once get my life straight.

See, since I was little, my life was never easy. If you think your life is hard, if you think that your mom or dad can't give you what you want is the worse moment of your life, do me a favor and smack your own forehead for me. So my first problem was i think at the age of around 3 years old when my sister had her birthday party and I never had mine. Not a big for you guys probably but for a 3 years old kiddo it is a problem. Then as I grow up, learn about family charts and names, people starts to question why my initials are different from the rest of my family who had the same initial. It got me thinking from there and when some one did me wrong, little by little I was convinced I'm not originally born into that family. But you can say I was a little bit sensitive at that time and immature, childish.

I guess you can say my family isn't one of those loving type of family who raise their kid up in a nice way. I got beaten up almost everyday for reasons like finishing my meals rather slowly, taking hours to bath... For doing everything slowly I guess. I was beaten by my siblings too whenever my parents are not around but I prefer not to get into details about that. I remember crying with every slashes that landed on my hand. And if my hand fell or I took it back, or didn't count, or cried, the count will start from 1 again. Even up to now I really couldn't see that other than being abusive. To hit once or twice for one mistake is enough. I know is to train and teach me, to be a better person but that's not the right way. Now that I think of it, people have been telling me that is not the right way to educate your children and I think when I say I understood that they were just trying to make me into a better person, its actually just me trying to find excuses to not to hate them for what they did to me.

But it doesn't mean that I'm the only one getting beaten up in the household. My mom got beaten up too, my elder siblings and also myself. I guess the chain effect that people were always talking about are true. I remember once my mom hit me once on the palm of my right hand and it bled. I remember it wasn't the pain on my palm that stings and made my eyes turns watery. But it was her action of hitting me until I bled. Even if it was just once. Because I really loved her and to me she was my hero my savior my whole world. I think that was when I turned bad.

My family was torn apart when my parents divorced during my elementary school years. My siblings chose to stay with my dad while I chose to accompany my mom. The moment I was about to walked out the front door of the house, made up of glass, I heard my dad said that I am not his children anymore. Maybe he felt betrayed at that time. But for my mom, I risked it all. Being a single mom is never easy. To take care of a brat like me didn't make it any better for my mom too. There were lots of times when I got scolded at hit at and slapped at for little things that I did but I know her anger was triggered by talking over the phone with my dad. I remember feeling lonely, and I was entering depression as I stabbed one of my classmate with a pencil on her hand. It wasn't really bad but I think that was the start and end to physical bully. For additional notes, I stabbed her because she didn't want to exchange her seats with me because I want to sit close to my bestfriend.

Things got worse as I enter teenage world where love blooms everywhere and hormones go wild. Falling in love for the very first time to the wrong person. I was the third person in the relationship and you can say I 'won' him over his girl. When I don't get love from my family, I seek it from people outside, I seek it from him. Him, being a boy, plays with my feelings. I gave everything I have I poured everything, all the love I had to him. I know this may seem a little old-fashioned to some people but I lost my virginity to him. Because I have such faith and so much love for him that he is for me until the end of time. Since I was young I swore to myself to never give my V-card to any guy until marriage, so you can see how deep I fell for him. But as our relationship stretched, the fights made the whole relationship turned tense. Maybe we just weren't ready for serious mature relationship. He knew of my broken family and pitied the fact I was constantly abused by my family but that didn't stop him from doing the same to me. He threw me across the room once and got me some really bad bruises. Once he hit me badly on the back and when I went to bath that night my friend was in a shock when she saw my blue-black back. He even pushed me out of the car to the roadside a couple of times. So you can say he is the abusive type too. Maybe only to me because he wanted to end us but I've lost too much to him so I'm afraid of losing him.

Moving on to adulthood, I met a guy who have liked me for years and I had a child with him out of wedlock. But we did get married before the baby was born. Everyone around me then, who've heard my story thought that maybe finally I found my happy ending. All these years of pain and sufferings has finally ended. Even I think so too. He's the only one I can trust and lean on. But sadly no. History repeats by itself. He knew of my family of my first love and swore to protect me from any harm but instead he hit me till blue black too. Not once not twice but often. He often use his manly strength at me but hurts my wrist and arm making it sore for a few days. He's a sports-person so you can predict his strength. Not up to 8 months of marriage, I'm already a divorced woman with a child taken away from me because I can't afford to take care of him financially. I have to bear being separated from him and missing his growth his development.

So what is happiness?